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Deadline: Thursday, October 21st

Writer’s Relief, an author’s submission service, offers a satirical take on the many excuses that float to the surface in a writer’s life.

So, I’m sitting here wondering why the query letter I sent out last week has yet to be answered. It took several months to compose that query, and another four weeks to research a suitable literary agency to send it to. You could say that I have quite a lot invested in this query, and now I need answers as to why I’m being ignored.

Could it be something to do with the post office? I suppose it’s possible the neighborhood letter carrier ran into a shambling group of zombies. When he discovered he had only a banana and a toothpick with which to defend himself, my poor query probably fell to the wayside and became covered with banana goo.

It’s also possible that a flock of great horned owls swooped down and mistook my query for nesting material—good taste on their part. Even supposing that the letter carrier avoided zombies, owls, and envelope-eating voodoo doctors, my query couldn’t have made it to the agency’s door, or I would have heard something by now.

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Unlike the literary agency I queried, my writing group was lightning quick in responding to my complaint. They’re asking why it took so long to complete a single query and wondering why I only managed to send it to one agency. Are they negative or what? They don’t know what I’ve been facing this past year! For one thing, I had a disastrous accident on my scooter last December.

Then my frontal lobotomy didn’t go quite as planned, and things started slipping my already slippery mind. Spent several unproductive months watching the Food Network and buying Hulk Hogan Ultimate Grills from the Home Shopping Network. Oh, and let’s not forget my tragic loss in the national 52-Card Pickup tournament in Vegas.

It’s been a rough year, but I hope to get more writing done, not to mention a few more queries submitted in the months ahead. It would be really cool to sell a story or two. If so, I could pay for a few of those Ultimate Grills sitting in my garage…if any literary agents are reading this, maybe we could work out a deal?

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Want a better way to get a literary agent? Contact Writer’s Relief, Author’s Submission Service.

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“Getting that first poem published was the hardest threshold to cross. My team at Writer’s Relief kept encouraging me…then came the acceptance! We celebrated…then I continued writing, and Writer’s Relief continued doing the wonderful work they do!”

—King Grossman, Writer
(Watch King’s video testimonial here!)

“Every piece I have sent out with their help has been accepted for publication! I am looking forward to working with the team on getting my new novel out into the world.”

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